Overload

I havent felt like this in a while, but I didnt miss the feeling. It feels like an overload in my head; an overload of thoughts. The Cabarete trip, the test, the workpaper, my friend, her friend, the end of semester, the possibilities, the new job, the future...Its too much.

I remember when things seemed simpler. I was able to handle them easily back then . I guess I should have considered better the implications of actually living my life, of letting people in, of leaving my reasonability aside.

I woke up at 5: 30 this morning. The overload wouldnt let me sleep. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldnt. Too much to do, so little time to do it; almost no time to think. I don't want to make a mistake, I don't want to rush into anything. I need to keep my mind clear.

We're leaving tomorrow morning. There's going to be alcohol, food, music, guys, girls, beach, pools, parties. I plan to enjoy it, but I can't let myself go; not completely at least. I need to take sometime to think, to meditate, to reflect. After this long weekend things might change very quickly and I have to be prepared for it.

I also have a couple of choices to make for the trip. One, I'll probably do it if there's alcohol involved (that way the risk is lower and with a little luck, it might lead to something very nice); the other one, I'm fighting it. I want to do it, but I can't. It's too risky and I have that feeling that it might all go very wrong.

So I have to keep myself together. I will drink, I will have fun but I must be aware of everything, of everyone. I need to put myself in reasonable mode. I have to let the feeling-living-having fun mode aside for a while, at least until things normalize.

Grow up, Iana! Being a kid does not work for you anymore. Forget about what you are feeling, forget about connecting. Focus on your goals: the 4.0 grade you want to achieve, the scholarship you want to get, the work you have to do, the car, the languages. Avoid bonding, keep a wide perspective. Rearrange your priorities, put yourself on top. Exercise: walk, jog, swim; whatever helps you keep your mind clean, keeps you focused.

Fight! struggle! but do not give up. I know you are tired but you can't quit now. Hold on in there, you need your strength.

Don't expect anything. Fight for what you want but never expect anything. Best things come when you least expect them. What you need will only be provided to you when you are ready to receive it, not before. Deal with your feelings, control yourself. Write, read, paint, sing; canalize emotions through art, not people.

Heal your wounds. Don't show compassion. Be implacable. Don't do more for people than what they ask you to. Don't see further than what they want to let you see. Analyze them. Analyze yourself. Find their weaknesses, find your threaths. Trust no one but yourself.

You know you can do it. You just need a little discipline.

Iana
9:04 am
Wednesday
april 12, 2006