Over

She s laying on her bed. She keeps on imagining his hands on her waist, his breath on her neck, his lips on her back. She s never felt them, but now she knows she never will.

He didnt do much: forgot to call, didnt say something or said the wrong thing. However, to her, these are the most important things, so she always makes a big deal.

She s not overreacting, she knows. It might seem like it. But, its not. Small things always lead to bigger ones.

Her eyes are glowing. She's sad. She didnt want to do it, but it was the best thing.... she hopes.

She didnt mean to. Not that way. It just....happened. It started as a game and, suddenly, it became a serious issue. She had seen a couple of girlfriends, very close ones, in that position. It would always break her heart when everyone gave their backs to them when they needed them the most. She thought the problem was her girlfriend's friends, but his answer proved her wrong. It was everyone.

Thats why she got mad. She wasnt asking for a commitment. She just wanted him to be there.

He didnt get it. At first, he took it as a game, like he always did. Then, after a while, he started getting tired, as she wouldnt give it up. He started realizing there was too much to fight about and so little time to enjoy. Later on, as she would insist with her madness, he began to notice it was just too much to take. It wasnt worth it.

He remembered then, as his mind was preparing to drop and move on, that he was a great catch. Its not that he was proud, he just knew there werent many like him and he had what it took. He proved it a thousand times.

However, it was never enough for her. She always wanted more and was never convinced. She wanted devotion, sacrifice, submission. Thats what it took to get inside her.

Of course she knew it was too much to ask and almost impossible to get. But there was no other way. She couldnt give herself to anyone. It had to be special; it had to be The one.

As she sees the end comming, she sighs. Its not the time yet. She has to wait more.

The problem is those crazy voices that come from time to time to tell her she s wrong-"you ask for too much, and for that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life; Why do you think it never lasts with you? You are not as good as you think. Thats why they all get tired of you. They always will". She hates them. She wonders where are the other voices, those who stood up for her: -"You dont need anyone. You are happy the way you are. Having someone is just a pain in the ass. You are great, it just takes a greater person to see it"-. She hadnt known anything about them for around 2 years now. She misses them.

"Fine-she says- I ll play your way". She's talkin to God-or whatever that rules Destiny and faith (she believes in this stuff).-"I wont make assumptions, I wont judge. I know now how things are different when you are in and out of the story.I wont deny what I feel, I wont try to change myself just to be the opposite of the prototype. I ll just be me. I promise.-she stops. Takes a deep breath-Now, you have to promise something too. Stop playing with me. Its not fun. Dont tempt me. Dont put things I cant have in front of my eyes. Dont give me hopes on things that arent meant for me. Please."-No answer.

Ok. So she decides. She'll hang on. She'll do what it takes. Screw the voices. If she's meant to be alone, then so be it. It's all for a better purpose (as she believes). It can't be that bad. After all, she has many things to do and so little time. So, bring it on. She's down for it.

Its ironic though, how things always happen: when she s ready it wont come, when she not it's at her door.

Iana
6:55pm
Thursday,
march 23 2006