Him

You wanted to know who was he, where did I met him and how long ago it happened, but I didnt tell you. I guess I was afraid it would open a wound that hasnt closed yet and make me vulnerable. It wont. So I am going to tell you now.

It was the person I was with before being with you. You know him, we worked together.

I cant explain how it happened. I just know, I decided back then that in the next (pseudo) relationship I d get involved in, I d give it all; I would say what I thought, I would do what I wanted, and I would express what I felt. And I did.

I gotta say, it started casually, like a fling. Something to have fun with. There was no one to look at and no one to think about, so I took a comment he said (as sick as I am) and made a reason of it to occupy my mind.

As I promised, I told him what I thought. He liked the idea. We started hanging out. It was fun, I had a good time, but I wasnt feeling anything. I could tell he was, by the constant attention he gave me and the things he said but those things would only freak me out and make me think about what should I say or do to break it up.

I didnt break it. When I confronted myself on that matter, I decided for once, I wouldnt run away, I wouldnt freak out. Instead, I d let myself go. I d let myself FEEL.

I knew he wasnt good enough, I knew I could do better but I didnt listen to reasons this time. I promised I wouldnt.

I forgot he wasnt my type and how would people see me if I was with him. Instead, I focused on us, on him, on me; trying to get as deep as I could in search of a feeling. With time, I managed not to care that we were together all the time, I actually started to like it. It seemed to be heading to something good as I was managing to achieve what I proposed: I was opening myself.
Then she came. I knew he was attracted to her. I was too. I even arranged a couple of things between them. I trusted him. I thought what we had was strong and it would take a lot to break it.

It didnt. It only took a couple of drinks and my absence to be performed in front of the expecting audience.

I found out a couple of days later. Someone at work said something, but I still didnt get it-I ve always been extremely stupid when it comes to those things-. I had to hear it from her mouth, as she was bragging about it. I swallowed, took a deep breath and posponed it for later. I had work to do.

I bumped into him at school that same day
-Hi
-Hey, where u going?
-To the library, I gotta buy some books
-Can I join u?
-Sure, I need to talk to you about something.
(silence)
-So, what is it you wanted to say?
(silence)
-mmm...did you..
Did you think I d never found out?

It all followed as a rail of explanaitions and excuses I already knew and expected. "Im sorry", "I didnt know", "I wish I didnt"...

I didnt care about it that much, honestly. To me, sex is just sex and it seemed like what we had was much more important. Besides, I knew that I havent had done it because I didnt have an interesting candidate for it and I assumed it would happen sometime, so I d had this like an excuse.

I didnt think about it that much either, it wasnt that much of a big deal. The way I saw it, she hated me-still dunno why-and she just did it to hurt me. So I did what I thought she wouldnt expect me to do. I stayed with him. We came back to work and pretended nothing ever happened. Except...

Something did happen. After that, it all started falling apart. I wasnt me anymore neither was he. What we had was turning into this charade where the acting part was becoming harder to be performed eachtime.

I still hung on. I wouldnt give up that easily. I took it all out and I even cried once (I had never cried before for someone else in my life). It still didnt make any difference. I tried everything I could, to take away the pain, and it still would remain, bigger and stronger.

Things at work started to get unstandable and, when everyone started to quit-specially my 2 favorite people from there- it just got worse. So I decided to quit, appealing to the argument that they were just demanding too much, I didnt have time for school and it was just no fun anymore. I conviced myself -and others- of that and I quitted.

However, I couldnt take it away. It would hunt me all the time, making a misery of my life. I couldnt talk to anyone about it, because I was embarrased, so I had to pretend everything was fine, and if anyone asked, I d just say I was tired.

I spent a couple of months in this, going in and out of this thing that had already became an obsession. I didnt care about me, about others, I just wanted him.

Everytime I d fall back to it, I felt great at the moment; I was reliving each feeling I had with such intensity I felt I couldnt take it sometimes. But then afterwards, it would all go back to the same.
I tried to find something to do, not to think. I tried to find someone new, to replace him. I couldnt. No matter how busy was I, it was always in my mind and no matter who I found, it just wasnt good enough for me.

I was desperate and confused and I couldnt tell anyone about it.

Then, after a while, when comming back and forth was almost a rutine, something happened. Something inside me woke up and started to give me strenght to go on by myself. It hurt and I fell back a couple of times more, but when I stood up, I was stronger.

Afterwards, I put myself together, realized I didnt need anyone and prepared to go on with this journey on my own, like I always have...

I was enjoying myself, finding me after being lost for so long and loving every moment of it. I felt flattered if someone complimented me and I was starting to feel proud of myself again. But I still couldnt talk about it. It still had an effect on me.

It doesnt now. Not anymore. I ve fought my demons and I think I ve won. At least they wont bother me for a while.

Meanwhile, Im still enjoying myself and everything that comes. Im more open to people and the way I feel about them and wouldnt care tryin again with someone else...

...After all "what doesnt kill me makes me stronger" and if there s something I know for sure, its that it will take a goddamn lot to make this little bitch give up and quit everything she s fought for! :P

Iana
2:30 am
Monday, 13 march 2006