My secret

They asked: Whats wrong? What happened?
But I didnt answer. Instead, I changed the subject,
hopping they would forget about it. They did.

I cant tell anyone. It has to stay with me.
Thats the only way it can continue being just a crazy thought,
a delusion, something thats only in my head.

I cant let it out, because if I do, if I tell anyone
then it wont be a fiction anymore, it wont be a thought.
It will transform into a pure and simple FACT.

If I tell, then the battle will be over and I will lose.
If I dont, then maybe someday it will all get back to what it used to be,
and this all will be like a long nightmare that never actually happened.

If I tell, I am going to have to admit that I am not myself anymore,
that I am someone else and that I dont know how to deal with this person.
If I dont, I might keep on thinking that I am still me
and this is just a temporary thing.

If I tell, I will be vulnerable and dependent,
and I wont be tough and resolute Iana,
I will just be "Iana".
If I dont, I will maintain my status.
I will be strong and cold. Invencible.

But I cant fight it anymore, its eating me alive.
It conquers every inch of my being and it laughs at me.
It makes me live a double live and be a constant actress
to others and even myself.

I have to keep on. I cant give up.
I know it weakens me, but I will hold on. I have to.
There is no way I'm telling anyone that I AM LONELY.

Iana
12:34am
02 feb, 2006